"I am borderline" is a short film staring Danielle Keaton about borderline personality disorder from the inside. This short film (4:35 minutes) was written and directed Betsy Usher in Los Angles. The film offers a realistic portrayal of the internal conflict of a person with borderline personality disorder or traits traits of worldwide slots. The film opens with the voice over;
"It feels like you aren't living at all, or you're possibly too alive. You're a person that feels the highest of highs and the lowest of low. You're usually triggered by small things, the way a person looks to watch..."
The film is part of a campaign created By Betsy Usher (pictured at the bottom) to help reduce misconceptions and the stigma of BPD. Another part if this campaign asks individuals who identify with the BPD diagnosis to post pictures of themselves online showing all of the other talents, labels, and thoughts about who they are (e.g. "I am a teacher").
Usher has her doctorate in clinical psychology (PsyD). She studied Borderline Personality Disorder at California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant University. She also attended California State University, Northridge and CSPP/Alliant International University at Alliant University.
The film finished first place in the month of June 2016, winning the monthly "Art with Impact" given by artwithimpact.org, a non-profit organization encouraging the production of short films based on mental health issues. The organization is sponsored under the California Mental Health Services Act, and by The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) , Pacific Blue Cross Community Connection Health Foundation, and others.
Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling.
When someone asks what is the most important tool for supporting a loved one with borderline personality disorder, I say "empathy". I typically follow with "and many of us over estimate our own empathy skills".
What is empathy?
It is often confused with sympathy. Empathy it is distinctly different. Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point
of view -- it extends to understanding, without disclaimers, why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and honest.
So, when your child returns from a therapy appointment and proclaims "I really like this one", it's most likely related to the therapist's ability to empathize and communicate it. We will not be able to motivate, coach, lead or redirect anyone without having this knowledge, too.
When Perry Hoffman (Harvard) conducted a study to determine the predictors of BPD patient recovery, the researchers found the #1 predictor to be the presence of a caring and empathetic person in the patient's life. They were surprised with this #1 rating.
It is also interesting that the architects of the DSM 5 proposed that a personality disorder be diagnosed when a person has diminished skills in two of the following -- either "empathy or intimacy" and either "identity or self direction". This raises two practical issues for us. First, our loved one may very well have impaired empathy skills and so we don't want to mirror that back as a way to "teach them a lesson". Secondly, if we are supporting a BPD child, it is important to remember that BPD traits tend to run in families and we may have had a parent that wasn't very empathetic and in turn, we didn't develop effective empathy skills ourselves. As such, we may have to become very deliberate in developing empathy skills now and seek the advice of others to help us to better "step in the shoes" of our child.
The five levels of empathy proposed by the DSM 5 architects are listed here. Want to know where you stand? Ask someone very close to you - ask your children - don't make a self-assessment.
Helping each other to grow to be more empathetic is one very important way we help each other at BPDFamily.com.
Author: Skip
Video Short: Scott Peck
Scott Peck earned his Masters Degree in Education and
Doctorate in Divinity and has worked professionally as an educator,
national advertising manager, reporter, photographer, copywriter,
& real estate broker.
Trying to determine if someone in your life suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and what can be done about it? You will soon find out that this is a complex question.
When in the midst of a relationship with
the person who may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder,
it can feel like there are more questions then there are answers.
This documentary video takes an in-depth look at the disorder. It not only includes three individual sufferers perspective, including Kiera Van Gelder author of The Buddha and the Borderline, but also from their family members as well. They discuss an array of issues including the confusion within the symptoms, angry outbursts, isolation, cutting, suicidal ideation, self destructiveness, and the misconceptions surrounding the behaviors in response to the intense emotions.
The documentary also features leading experts in the field of Borderline Personality Disorder, Dr. John Gunderson, Dr. Marsha Linehan, and Dr. Perry Hoffman, discussing behaviors, clinical diagnosis, and treatments. Their commentary bringing a greater understanding of the disorder but also a message of hope. There is treatment. There are tools out there for family members. There are answers and solutions.
The first step is knowing that what is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things. There are
no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying
Borderline Personality Disorder requires having a working knowledge of
the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in
question. Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the emotions. Imagine a
person who is extremely sensitive to rejection (fearful of even
perceived or anticipated rejection) and has a limited ability to regulate their emotional impulses (love, fear, anger, grief, etc.). To
protect themselves from their own feelings, they are prone to adopt a
multitude of dysfunctional rationalizations and cover-ups. For
example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they
believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a
sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they
lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" -
rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection,
ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and
reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.
For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com
What is the difference between otherwise normal adolescence behavior
and adolescence behavior associated with Borderline Personality
Disorder?
Borderline Personality Disorder is not often diagnosed in adolescence, however adult patients with this diagnosis often explain that symptoms
began in early childhood.
The behavior can include extreme sexual activity, utilizing drugs, engaging in impulsive and risky
activities (i.e. driving too fast, stealing) – according to Dr.
Blaise Aguirre the difference lies in the functionality
of the behavior, being that the function of one is typical and the
other’s function is mostly to help regulate the emotion(s) of the child
in the moment [suffering from BPD].
Blaisse Aguirre, M.D.,
discusses in this video how to recognize the difference and how
to better understand the purpose behind it. He addresses in depth the
criteria needed to diagnose BPD according to the current DSM and uses
specific examples for younger children that gives a better understanding
to the behavior that leads to diagnosis. It is a must see for any
parent or family member who is raising a child who may (or may not be)
suffering from BPD.
Dr. Aguirre is an expert in child, adolescent and adult psychotherapy,
including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and psychopharmacology. He
is the founding medical director of 3East
at Harvard - affiliated McLean Hospital, a unique, residential DBT
program for young women exhibiting self-endangering behaviors and
borderline personality traits (BPD). Dr. Aguirre has been a staff
psychiatrist at McLean since 2000 and is nationally and internationally
recognized for his extensive work in the treatment of mood and
personality disorders in adolescents. He lectures regularly in Europe,
Africa and The Middle East on BPD and DBT.
In his talk on October 18, 2008 in Minneapolis, MN, Alan Fruzzetti, Ph.D. explores
what it means to give someone a validating response rather than an
invalidating response
and how validating responses can be used to help a person with high levels of emotional arousal more constructively process their feelings, emotional dysregulation or personal chaos. In this video, Dr. Fruzzetti explains the fine art of "validating" and shows us how easy it is to be invalidating. He explains that invalidation is not necessarily abusive, mean, neglectful,
uncaring or dyfunctional - it can be caring and well intended - but painful nonetheless. Dr. Fruzzetti recommends that families of a person with BPD also be in therapy as (1)
it’s very stressful to have a loved one in emotional chaos and (2) it benefits the person with BPD when the
family is part of the solution. Alan
E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D. is associate professor of psychology and director
of the DBT Therapy and Research Program at the University of Nevada and Research Advisor Member of the Board of Directors of the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEA-BPD). Author: Vivekananda
In this 12 minute audio Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW discusses the day to day struggles of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (pwBPD) and the basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This is a very helpful presentation for anyone trying to understand the mindset and behavior of someone suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder. It also helps with the understanding of how we, as family members, affect pwBPD.
Tibbitts explains that family members without mood disorders themselves know that emotions are simply emotions and that they do not need to responded to them. This is not so clear to a person with a mood disorder.
The speaker goes on to explain that family members also know that when they want to fulfill a goal, emotional responses need to be "put on the shelf" so they can continue with the task at hand. For someone with Borderline Personality Disorder this can be extremely challenging.
The Dialectal Dilemma - logic in the face of emotion is not helpful
Tibbitts describes what she calls the "dialectal dilemma". The dialectal dilemma is the invading feeling that results when applying logical thought to emotional responses at the time of the response. When this is done by the person having the response or by others it results in a very invalidating and very upsetting experience.
An alternative and the principle behind dialectical behavioral therapy is for the pwBPD to have cognition (recognition when an emotional reaction is in the extreme) and then substitute an alternate behavior - doing something different and more constructive with the emotional reaction. The emotion is not denied. The reaction to others is altered.
Three Characteristics Common with Borderline Personality Disorder
Three characteristics are common in people suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder are heightened sensitivity, extreme reaction/arousal, and slow return to baseline.
Heightened sensitivity - A person with Borderline Personality Disorder has a high sensitivity to emotions and feelings - both their own and of others.
Extreme reaction and high arousal - Extreme reactions and high arousal often makes it difficult to think through issues and act in an appropriate way.
Slow return to baseline - These reactions last longer and this in turn can the heighten the reaction to subsequent events and stimuli.
Biosocial Theory
The struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder are impacted by both biology and by the social environment.
Biological factors - Being tired, hungry, stressed, or under the influence are all conditions that exacerbate the struggles of Borderline Personality Disorder. This is why people with the disorder do not do well in crisis situations.
Social factors - Being in an environment that denies or minimizes emotional experiences (independent of whether they are valid or not) adds to the difficulties. Specific examples include indiscriminately rejecting the validity of feelings, punishing the pwBPD for their emotions, escalation of emotional situations, or oversimplification of the task of solving problems at hand.
When these factors become extreme it often leads to suicidal ideation, or parasuicidal ventures, or even suicide.
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1994. We invite you to join with us to explore these and other aspects of having a person with Borderline Personality Disorder in your life.
Amy Tibbitts, LSCSW, is the founder and director of the Lilac Center in Kansas City, MO. She has been providing Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) in a private practice setting since October of 2000. Ms. Tibbitts is a 1997 graduate of the University of Kansas and holds a master’s degree in social welfare. She underwent clinical training at Wyandot Mental Health Center. Prior to opening her private practice, Amy provided clinical services at Johnson County Mental Health Center. She is currently authoring a book on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.
Author: Skip
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of nearly 75,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community with its nearly 3 million postings and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here.www.bpdfamily.com
Are you trying to determine if someone in your life suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder? You will find that diagnosis is a very complex question even for a PhD psychologist. There are no simple behavioral checklists. To have Borderline Personality Disorder, there is usually a dysfunctional pattern of handling emotional stress that dates all the way back into the teen years.
It is estimated that there are 18 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few even know about it or are in treatment - but they know they struggle. Borderline Personality Disorder is a difficult disorder of the emotions and of self worth.
At the center of this disorder is a person with very high sensitivities to rejection and a limited ability to modulate emotional impulses. People suffering with this disorder are emotionally immature. Feelings are often masked by dysfunctional means of self-protection - including assuming a persona that they feel is lovable (as opposed to their own personality). Diagnosis requires knowledge of how a person has perceived and reacted to emotional events throughout their life. The most obvious external symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder perceivable by others is a lifelong pattern of instability in important interpersonal relationships.
What is going in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are outwardly acting can be two different things. To the sufferer, BPD is about deep, often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of(1):
If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
Other people are evil and abuse you;
If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
I will always be alone;
I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
I don't really know what I want;
I will never get what I want;
I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;
I have no control of myself;
I can't discipline myself;
My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
Other people are not willing or helpful.
Please join us as we work together to find more rewarding and healthy lives with our BPD loved ones, or as we recover from a failed BPD relationships. For more information and to register, click here.
References: (1)BPDFamily Staff Production - community leaders with professions in healthcare, education, and business.
Do you have an emotionally difficult person in your life? It is estimated that there are 18 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few even know about it or are in treatment.
Before your can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.
Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.
Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse
The first step is commitment. By definition, when you are out of control (throwing the proverbial fuel on the fire), you are not using logic (or any other helpful process) enough.
Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic. Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control.
If you wanted to run a marathon, but you had never run more than three kilometers, you couldn't do it. No matter how much you wanted to keep running, you would be unable to merely will your body to perform in that situation. You would have to really want to run the marathon, which would get you out of bed early every day for months to work out, to practice. With enough commitment, you would engage in enough practice so that you could keep on running effectively (despite the pain).
But, even if you have the capacity to do a particular behavior that is effective, you might still lack the motivation.
In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, "I don't really care about that now". In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.
So, you need to get to a balanced place in your mind in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion of the moment. It is important to practice now, so you can get there in situations of duress..
If you learned to drive on the right-hand side of the street, and you took a vacation in a country where they drive on the left, you would know, on the one hand, that it is very dangerous to drive on the right there. On the other hand, you probably would have strong urges to pull to the right. How would you get yourself to drive safely? Commitment.
BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of over 50,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please cleck here.www.bpdfamily.com Self-Righteousness Is Not "Right"
Do you really see how being nasty, invalidating, or critical toward your partner, no matter what she or he just did; will only make your relationship worse?
Or, do you think that when he or she does these kinds of things to you that you have a "right" to respond with similar behavior (that she or he "deserves it")?
Most of us know it is not effective to be nasty. However, if you truly adopt a mindful stance toward your partner, you will see that you both of you are doing the same thing.
They think you deserve it. You think your partner deserves it. How could this possibly be resolved unless one (and eventually both) of you steps back mindfully and see that, as Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind"?
Do you really want to hurt your partner?
Do you want to hurt yourself? Hurting him or her is hurting yourself and continuing the unending agony of reciprocal retribution.
You can stop it.
Stepping Out Is Not Surrender
Maybe you now are thinking, "It's surrender to be attacked, and not to attack back!"
Well, refusing to continue to fight to the death (of your relationship) is hardly surrendering. Rather; if defeating your partner is also self-defeating; then stopping the fight is both showing the courage to do what is needed to survive and the courage to engage in self- preservation.
You can get yourself out of "win- lose" thinking (which really means "lose-lose") and into recognizing that not attacking is a win-win-win situation: you preserve your self- respect and your relationship and your partner emerges less trampled. Nobody loses.
If you think that stopping is surrender; you will likely feel ashamed; for we are typically taught to "stand up for what is right;" But; when you realize that stopping requires courage; conviction; and skills; and will lead to a better life for everyone involved; you will see that shame is not justified.
Anticipate Your Impulsiveness
Even if you are highly committed to stop making things worse in conflict situations; you still need to practice a host of skills needed to stop.
When we are in the middle of enduring a verbal attack from someone else; our own reaction feels impulsive; like an unpre-dictable and overbearing urge. However; realistically; a lot of these situations are quite predictable. How many times have you had that fight? How many times has your partner said that particular hurtful and provocative thing? Look descriptively at previous problems: what did your partner do that resulted in your emotions going through the roof to the point where you had urges to retaliate? We will call those things triggers because they trigger your response.
Rehearse a New emotional response
Once you have identified typical triggers; you can anticipate that your partner will do them again. The more aware you are of the triggers; the less potent they will be. In a way; every time you imagine your partner saying that trigger and imagine that you respond in a kind way (or; at least; not in kind); you are reconditioning the trigger because you are changing the cycle.
Identify as many triggers as you can.
The idea is not that these triggers cause your response; but rather that the cycle is now automatic (she says X; you say Y). It's a learned habit; much like reciting the alphabet. You need to stop saying "Y" and do something else.
What else?
The effective thing to do is anything that brings your arousal down and helps you respond differently.
There are many strategies for tolerating distress in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that might be helpful in these situations. For example; you can distract yourself away from the argument by doing something else (take a walk; read; engage in other activities that are physically active ones or relaxing ones); look for spiritual soothing (say a little prayer; remember your values); do something soothing to your senses (listen to quiet music; eat comfort food; read a pleasant story or poem); or do something social (call a friend; send an e-mail). Some of these things you can do quickly. Others you will simply have to plan to do after successfully ending the interaction without responding negatively.
Once you have identified the typical triggers and also identified more helpful alternatives; you can put them together.
Imagine a trigger;
Imagine remembering your goal (not to make things worse; that you love this person; that responding in a negative way just keeps the negative cycle going); and
imagine responding in a self- respecting and respectful way.
Of course, whatever you say needs to be in your own words, but the essence of an effective response is staying reasonably calm and describing something about your genuine goals and feelings rather than telling the other person what she or he is doing wrong.
Manage Destructive Urges
Commitment and practicing alternative responses are very helpful in achieving self-control. But there are other skills you can use when urges to do harm are running high.
Did you ever have the urge to eat more dessert and not do it? Did you ever have the urge to stay in bed rather than go to work? Have you always given in to these urges, or have you managed them and done what was needed in those situations (at least sometimes) to make your life work?
Whatever you did to resist those kinds of urges are important skills to use when resisting the urge to treat your partner badly and continue the destructive conflict cycles you sometimes get in.
Here are three common strategies to help you respond without making things worse in a difficult situation:
A. Visualize the Negative Consequences of Giving In to Your Destructive Urges
If the alarm clock goes off and you are tired; comfortable , you may have the urge to turn it off and go back to sleep. But; you remember that your boss is not too pleased when you simply fail to show up for work; you realize that you will be swamped for the next several days trying to catch up. Within a minute or two; you are in the shower.
What happened? You remembered the negative consequences of following your urge instead of doing the wise thing. This method can be very effective at motivating us to act in ways that are responsible to our own longer-term goals.
B. Step Out and Observe the Urge
Alternatively, after the alarm clock goes off, you could observe your own behavior. You might then notice that by not taking the urge to stay in bed too seriously (observing it rather than going with it), the urge is already subsiding.
Interestingly, when we observe urges, they often lose their potency.
C. Visualize the Positive Consequences of Giving In to Your Destructive Urges
Go back to the urges to stay in bed. At that point, you could get yourself to think about your day ahead. If you do, you might realize that you have an enjoyable project to work on and that you are saving money for a down payment on your first house.
The difference between this example and visualizing the negative consequences of giving in is that the former uses your motivation to avoid negative consequences, whereas this one uses your motivation to achieve positive ones. Both can work rather well in the moment.
This is not surrender
Rather, this is an example of a couple working together - they both agree to work on these issues independently and together - there is no intimidating mention of BPD vs Non-BPD – it’s just two people building a bridge and ending the unhealthy cycle as a first step. From there they can look to more substantive work.
You can do this and still analyze if they want to stay or leave the relationship.
These are basic tools to stop the bleeding in your household.
This article was adapted from
The High Conflict Couple – A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, & Validation by Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D
# Paperback: 177 pages
# Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
# Language: English
# ISBN-10: 157224450X
# ISBN-13: 978-1572244504
Book Description
High Conflict Couple is a concise, easy to understand guide for couples seeking to deepen their relationship and ease their conflicts. This is an recommended book to share with your BPD partner as it doesn't make direct mention of BPD - other than the fact thaht the authors are all leaders in the field.
Some couples need more than just the run-of-the-mill relationship advice to solve their problems. When out-of-control emotions (BPD) are the root cause of problems in a relationship, no amount of effective communication or intimacy building will fix what ails it.
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