Borderline Personality - A View From Inside

"I am borderline" is a short film staring Danielle Keaton about borderline personality disorder from the inside. This short film (4:35 minutes) was written and directed Betsy Usher in Los Angles. The film offers a realistic portrayal of the internal conflict of a person with borderline personality disorder or traits traits of worldwide slots. The film opens with the voice over; 



"It feels like you aren't living at all, or you're possibly too alive. You're a person that feels the highest of highs and the lowest of low. You're usually triggered by small things, the way a person looks to watch..."

The film is part of a campaign created By Betsy Usher (pictured at the bottom) to help reduce misconceptions and the stigma of BPD. Another part if this campaign asks individuals who identify with the BPD diagnosis to post pictures of themselves online showing all of the other talents, labels, and thoughts about who they are (e.g. "I am a teacher").

Usher has her doctorate in clinical psychology (PsyD). She studied Borderline Personality Disorder at California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant University. She also attended California State University, Northridge and CSPP/Alliant International University at Alliant University.

The film finished first place in the month of June 2016, winning the monthly "Art with Impact" given by artwithimpact.org, a non-profit organization encouraging the production of short films based on mental health issues. The organization is sponsored under the California Mental Health Services Act, and by The National Endowment for the Arts (NEA) , Pacific Blue Cross Community Connection Health Foundation, and others.

What is a Personality Disorder?

Perhaps you suspect that your loved one has a "personality disorder". Perhaps someone has told you that they think that you have a "personality disorder". You may not know what they are talking about.  So what is it?

Definition: Personality disorders represent the failure to develop a sense of self-identity and the capacity for interpersonal functioning that are adaptive in the context of the individual’s cultural norms and expectations.

A.  Adaptive failure is manifested in one or both of the following areas:

      1.  Impaired sense of self-identity as evidenced by one or more of the following:

• Identity integration. Poorly integrated sense of self or identity (e.g., limited sense of personal unity and continuity; experiences shifting self-states; believes that the self presented to the world is a façade)
• Integrity of self-concept. Impoverished and poorly differentiated sense of self or identity (e.g., difficulty identifying and describing self attributes; sense of inner emptiness; poorly delineated interpersonal boundaries; definition of the self changes with social context)
• Self-directedness. Low self-directedness (e.g., unable to set and attain satisfying and rewarding personal goals; lacks direction, meaning, and purpose to life)

      2.  Failure to develop effective interpersonal functioning as manifested by one or more of the following:

• Empathy.  Impaired empathic and reflective capacity (e.g., finds it difficult to understand the mental states of others)
• Intimacy. Impaired capacity for close relationships (e.g., unable to establish or maintain closeness and intimacy; inability to function as an effective attachment figure; inability to establish and maintain friendships)
• Cooperativeness. Failure to develop the capacity for prosocial behavior (e.g., failure to develop the capacity for socially typical moral behavior; absence of altruism)
• Complexity and integration of representations of others. Poorly integrated representations of others (e.g., forms separate and poorly related images of significant others)

B.  Adaptive failure is associated with extreme levels of one or more personality traits.

C.  Adaptive failure is relatively stable across time and consistent across situations with an onset that can be traced back at least to adolescence.

D.  Adaptive failure is not solely explained as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder

E.  Adaptive failure is not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma)

Looking at this more broadly:

"Personality disorder, formerly referred to as a Character Disorder, is a class of mental disorders characterized by rigid and on-going patterns of thought and action. .... The inflexibility and pervasiveness of these behavioral patterns often cause serious personal and social difficulties, as well as a general functional impairment.

Personality disorders are defined by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) as "an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it". These patterns, as noted, are inflexible and pervasive across many situations...(and) perceived to be appropriate by that individual. The onset of these patterns of behavior can typically be traced back to late adolescence and the beginning of adulthood, and, in rare instances, childhood."

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, defines ten specific personality disorders, one of which is "borderline personality disorder".  

The current system (DSM - IV) lists 10 personality disorders organized in 3 "clusters

Cluster A (odd or eccentric)

• 301.0 Paranoid personality disorder
• 301.20 Schizoid personality disorder
• 301.22 Schizotypal personality disorder

Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic)

• 301.7 Antisocial personality disorder
• 301.83 Borderline personality disorder
• 301.50 Histrionic personality disorder
• 301.81 Narcissistic personality disorder

Cluster C (anxious or fearful)

• 301.82 Avoidant personality disorder
• 301.6 Dependent personality disorder
• 301.4 Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

The APA is also proposing a consolidation into 5 subtypes:

• Borderline,
• Antisocial/psychopathic (possibly with subtypes),
• Schizotypal,
• Avoidant, and
• Obsessive-compulsive.

•  

If you have a loved one that seems to be suffering from borderline personality disorder, please visit BPDfamily.com . We will welcome you warmly! If you believe that you have borderline personality disorder, check here for resources to help you.

Author:  Skip

85% of pwBPD Go Into Remission

Although borderline personality disorder (BPD) has traditionally been considered a chronic and intractable disease, it is has high remission and low relapse rates, new research suggests.

Collaborative Longitudinal Personality Disorders Study

In the latest findings from the Collaborative Longitudinal Personality Disorders Study (CLPS), 85% of participants with BPD remitted during 10 years of follow-up. In addition, only 11% of these relapsed — which was significantly lower than for participants with major depressive disorder (MDD) and a group consisting of cluster C personality disorders.

However, those with BPD had significantly more social dysfunction than the other 2 groups.

"We found that [BPD] psychopathology, which has not really been adequately studied before, improves more than generally expected, and once it remits, it usually stays remitted. Not many psychiatric disorders can claim that," lead study author John G. Gunderson, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and director of the McLean Center for the Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, Belmont, Massachusetts, told Medscape Medical News.

"It was also amazing that this was found without treatment designed specifically for this disorder. So this is really not an effect of treatment but a statement about its natural course," said Dr. Gunderson.

The study was published online April 4 in Archives of General Psychiatry.
http://archpsyc.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/full/archgenpsychiatry.2011.37

In "the only other 10-year prospective study of BPD," reported on last year by Medscape Medical News, coinvestigator Mary Zanarini, EdD, also from McLean Hospital, and colleagues found that many (but not all) patients with BPD got better with time.

Attitude Adjustment

He noted that a change in attitude is now needed because most have typically thought these are people who have chronic disease and are considered "frequent flyers" because of their many hospitalizations and emergency department visits.


"A small minority of patients that conform to that characterization has given the whole group a bad name. But for clinicians to realize most of these patients will get better makes it much less pejorative, and they can take a lot more pride in even short-term interventions that may make a lasting difference."

Psychosocial Functioning Often Remains Severely Impaired

 Dr. Gunderson pointed out, though, that psychosocial functioning for these patients often remains severely impaired.

"One of the implications of that is that we need to try to help borderline patients with their social adjustment, such as getting a job or joining social organizations. So it moves treatment away from just symptom remission to social rehabilitation."

"Despite the high prevalence of BPD in psychiatric facilities, attention to BPD remains woefully low relative to that paid to other major psychiatric disorders. Indeed, the diagnosis is underused and most mental healthcare professionals avoid or actively dislike patients with BPD," write the investigators.

In addition, past BPD research has mainly consisted of either short-term prospective or long-term retrospective studies or were conducted before 1995, they report.

In addition to using different methods, Dr. Gunderson said that his team sought to examine both the psychopathology of BPD and its associated social dysfunction.

"Their study looked at 1- or 2-year increments, whereas we looked at small intervals of change. We used measures that allowed us to look at month-by-month changes, which is important in terms of 'what predicts change' and 'what changes predict other changes,'" he explained.

"We also had comparison groups made up of specific forms of personality disorders that were matched demographically. And whereas the other study had a population of all inpatients at McLean, ours was much more demographically representative of a clinical community."

The investigators evaluated data on patients between the ages of 18 and 45 years who participated in CLPS at 1 of 19 clinical sites in the northeastern region of the United States.

For this analysis, the investigators assessed 3 subgroups of patients: those diagnosed as having BPD (n = 175), those with MDD (n = 95), and those with either avoidant personality disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder (cluster C group, n = 312).

Criteria and changes in disorders were assessed with several measures, including the Diagnostic Interview for Personality Disorders from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), the Structural Clinical Interview for DSM-IV Axis I Disorders, the Longitudinal Interval Follow-up Evaluation, and the Global Assessment of Functioning (GAF) scale for up to 10 years.

High Remission, Low Relapse

Results showed that 66% of the participants completed all 10 years of follow-up, including 111 of those with BPD, 211 of those in the cluster C group, and 62 of those with MDD.

"While the overall rates of remission at 10 years were high for all 3 diagnostic study groups, the time to remission for BPD was significantly longer than for MDD (P < .001) but only minimally longer for cluster C (P = .03)," report the researchers. However, the 11% relapse rate for the group with BPD was significantly less frequent and slower than for both the MDD (P < .001) and cluster C groups (P = .008). BPD relapses "largely occurred in the first 4 years before leveling off," write the investigators, adding that only 9% of the BPD patients "remained stable disordered" (defined as meeting ≥5 disorder diagnostic criteria) at the 10-year mark. GAF scores showed severe impairment for those with BPD and "only modest albeit statistically significant" improvements. These patients also remained statistically more socially dysfunctional during the 10-year period than the other 2 groups (P < .001). Finally, criteria reductions significantly predicted subsequent improvements in GAF scores (P < .001). These results "are consistent with the theory that if patients with BPD can achieve stable supports and avoid interpersonal stressors they will remit clinically," write the investigators. "The low relapse rate suggests that during the remission process, the patients changed either psychologically, perhaps having acquired more resiliency or new adaptive skills, or situationally by attaining more supports or less stress," they add. Dr. Gunderson said there is now a real need for "more practical" BPD treatments. "We can see that they don't need to be long term and intensive to be helpful. But we do need them to be more focused on social rehabilitation." The study was funded by grants from the National Institute of Mental Health. The study authors have disclosed no relevant financial relationships. Arch Gen Psychiatry. Published online April 4, 2011. Abstract

The Importance of Empathy Skills when Supporting a Person with BPD

Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling.

Participate in Member Workshop

When someone asks what is the most important tool for supporting a loved one with borderline personality disorder, I say "empathy". I typically follow with "and many of us over estimate our own empathy skills".

What is empathy?

It is often confused with sympathy. Empathy it is distinctly different. Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their perspective. You effectively place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Seeing things from another person's perspective isn't simply understanding their point

of view -- it extends to understanding, without disclaimers, why they feel their point of view is just and appropriate and honest.

So, when your child returns from a therapy appointment and proclaims "I really like this one", it's most likely related to the therapist's ability to empathize and communicate it. We will not be able to motivate, coach, lead or redirect anyone without having this knowledge, too.

When Perry Hoffman (Harvard) conducted a study to determine the predictors of BPD patient recovery, the researchers found the #1 predictor to be the presence of a caring and empathetic person in the patient's life. They were surprised with this #1 rating.

It is also interesting that the architects of the DSM 5 proposed that a personality disorder be diagnosed when a person has diminished skills in two of the following -- either "empathy or intimacy" and either "identity or self direction". This raises two practical issues for us. First, our loved one may very well have impaired empathy skills and so we don't want to mirror that back as a way to "teach them a lesson".  Secondly, if we are supporting a BPD child, it is important to remember that BPD traits tend to run in families and we may have had a parent that wasn't very empathetic and in turn, we didn't develop effective empathy skills ourselves. As such, we may have to become very deliberate in developing empathy skills now and seek the advice of others to help us to better "step in the shoes" of our child.

The five levels of empathy proposed by the DSM 5 architects are listed here. Want to know where you stand? Ask someone very close to you - ask your children - don't make a self-assessment.

Helping each other to grow to be more empathetic is one very important way we help each other at BPDFamily.com.

Author: Skip
Video Short: Scott Peck

Scott Peck earned his Masters Degree in Education and Doctorate in Divinity and has worked professionally as an educator, national advertising manager, reporter, photographer, copywriter, & real estate broker.

What Does Recovery Look Like?

Trying to determine if someone in your life suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and what can be done about it? You will soon find out that this is a complex question.

When in the midst of a relationship with the person who may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, it can feel like there are more questions then there are answers.

This documentary video takes an in-depth look at the disorder. It not only includes three individual sufferers perspective, including Kiera Van Gelder author of The Buddha and the Borderline, but also from their family members as well. They discuss an array of issues including the confusion within the symptoms, angry outbursts, isolation, cutting, suicidal ideation, self destructiveness, and the misconceptions surrounding the behaviors in response to the intense emotions. 

The documentary also features leading experts in the field of Borderline Personality Disorder, Dr. John Gunderson, Dr. Marsha Linehan, and Dr. Perry Hoffman, discussing behaviors, clinical diagnosis, and treatments. Their commentary bringing a greater understanding of the disorder but also a message of hope. There is treatment. There are tools out there for family members. There are answers and solutions. The first step is knowing that what is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things.  There are no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying Borderline Personality Disorder requires having a working knowledge of the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in question.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the emotions. Imagine a person who is extremely sensitive to rejection (fearful of even perceived or anticipated rejection) and has a limited ability to regulate their emotional impulses (love, fear, anger, grief, etc.). To protect themselves from their own feelings, they are prone to adopt a multitude of dysfunctional rationalizations and cover-ups.

For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Author: DreamGirl

Adolescence and Borderline Personality

What is the difference between otherwise normal adolescence behavior and adolescence behavior associated with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Borderline Personality Disorder is not often diagnosed in adolescence, however adult patients with this diagnosis often explain that symptoms began in early childhood. 

The behavior can include extreme sexual activity, utilizing drugs, engaging in impulsive and risky activities (i.e. driving too fast, stealing) – according to Dr. Blaise Aguirre the difference lies in the functionality of the behavior, being that the function of one is typical and the other’s function is mostly to help regulate the emotion(s) of the child in the moment [suffering from BPD].

Blaisse Aguirre, M.D.,  discusses in this video how to recognize the difference and how to better understand the purpose behind it.  He addresses in depth the criteria needed to diagnose BPD according to the current DSM and uses specific examples for younger children that gives a better understanding to the behavior that leads to diagnosis. It is a must see for any parent or family member who  is raising a child who may (or may not be) suffering from BPD.

 Dr. Aguirre is an expert in child, adolescent and adult psychotherapy, including dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and psychopharmacology. He is the founding medical director of 3East at Harvard - affiliated McLean Hospital, a unique, residential DBT program for young women exhibiting self-endangering behaviors and borderline personality traits (BPD). Dr. Aguirre has been a staff psychiatrist at McLean since 2000 and is nationally and internationally recognized for his extensive work in the treatment of mood and personality disorders in adolescents. He lectures regularly in Europe, Africa and The Middle East on BPD and DBT.

Author: DreamGirl

Avoid Creating an Invalidating Home

In his talk on October 18, 2008 in Minneapolis, MN, Alan Fruzzetti, Ph.D. explores what it means to give someone a validating response rather than an invalidating response and how validating responses can be used to help a person with high levels of emotional arousal more constructively process their feelings, emotional dysregulation or personal chaos.

In this video, Dr. Fruzzetti explains the fine art of "validating" and shows us how easy it is to be invalidating.  He explains that invalidation is not necessarily abusive, mean, neglectful, uncaring or dyfunctional - it can be caring and well intended - but painful nonetheless. 

Dr. Fruzzetti recommends that families of a person with BPD also be in therapy as (1) it’s very stressful to have a loved one in emotional chaos and (2) it benefits the person with BPD when the family is part of the solution.

Alan E. Fruzzetti, Ph.D. is associate professor of psychology and director of the DBT Therapy and Research Program at the University of Nevada and Research Advisor Member of the Board of Directors of the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEA-BPD). 

Author: Vivekananda

Does the expression "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" remind you of your spouse or partner?

A member at BPDfamily.com , writes: "I thought I was with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde."  In the 1931 film adaptation, of Robert Louis Stevenson's novel, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Dr. Jekyll believes good and evil exist in everyone. Experiments reveal his evil side, named Hyde. Experience teaches him how to hide how evil "Hyde" can be.

Does the expression "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" remind you of your spouse or partner, too?  Have you ever thought that they were two different people - one minute they are the greatest, most kind and affectionate partner, and then suddenly an awful, mean, frightening person?

How could someone so good, turn around and become so bad, then flip back to again? You may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder or a mood disorder like Borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Borderline personality disorder is also known as Emotional Dysregulation Disorder, and is often misdiagnosed as Bipolar disorder, depression, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  For example a study by researchers at the University of North Texas and Brown University found that nearly 40% of people with BPD in the study sample had previously received a misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder.  

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

"I hate you, don't leave me", the title of Jerold Kreisman's (MD) 1991 book describing Borderline personality disorder has become a a widely accepted short description of the disorder.  What to know more?  Take a look at this video on the symptoms of the symptoms of Borderline personality disorder.

The BPDfamily.com site contain many articles and information about both Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has members available 24 a day to answer your questions.  If you are struggling with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde relationship, BPDfamily may be a good resource for you.

Why Breaking-up is Hard to Do

The Biology of Breaking Up

Our brains are wired for bonding. Break-ups challenge us biologically. According to Rutgers University anthropologist Helen Fisher, everyone biologically reacts to rejection in a way similar to that of a drug user going through withdrawal. In the early days and weeks after a serious breakup, there are changes in the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain, which controls motivation and reward and is known to be involved in romantic love; the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, part of the dopamine reward system and associated with craving and addiction; and the insular cortex and anterior cingulate, associated with physical pain and distress.

As reported in a recent issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, Fisher studied 15 people who had just experienced romantic rejection, put them in an fMRI machine, and had them look at two large photographs: an image of the person who had just dumped them and an image of a neutral person to whom they had no attachment. When the participants looked at the images of their rejecters, their brains shimmered like those of addicts deprived of their substance of choice.

“We found activity in regions of the brain associated with cocaine and nicotine addiction,” Fisher says. “We also found activity in a region associated with feelings of deep attachment, and activity in a region that’s associated with pain.”

Fisher’s work corroborates the findings of UCLA psychologist Naomi Eisenberger, who discovered that social rejection activates the same brain area—the anterior cingulate—that generates an adverse reaction to physical pain.

Why do some behave so badly after a breakup?

The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to do just about anything to make the hurt go away -- and that includes a host of unhealthy things ranging from demonizing their ex-partner, to excessive anger, to bashing whole groups of people. The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to stalk their ex-partners. Fisher believes, for example, that activation of addictive centers in response to breakups also fuels stalking behavior, explaining “why the beloved is so difficult to give up.”

Attachment styles that emerge early in life also influence how people handle breakups later on

Biology is nowhere near the whole story. Attachment styles that emerge early in life also influence how people handle breakups later on—and how they react to them.

Those with a secure attachment style—whose caregivers, by being generally responsive, instilled a sense of trust that they would always be around when needed—are most likely to approach breakups with psychological integrity. Typically, they clue their partners in about any changes in their feelings while taking care not to be hurtful.

On the receiving end of a breakup, “the secure person acknowledges that the loss hurts, but is sensible about it,” says Phillip Shaver, a University of California, Davis psychologist who has long studied attachment behavior. “They’re going to have an undeniable period of broken dreams, but they express that to a reasonable degree and then heal and move on.”

People with inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it 

By contrast, people who develop an anxious or insecure attachment style—typically due to inconsistent parental attention during the first years of life—are apt to try to keep a defunct relationship going rather than suffer the pain of dissolving it. “The anxious person is less often the one who takes the initiative in breaking up,” Shaver says. “More commonly, they hang on and get more angry and intrusive.” On the receiving end of a breakup, the insecurely attached react poorly. “They don’t let go,” says Shaver. “They’re more likely to be stalkers, and they’re more likely to end up sleeping with the old partner.” Unfortnately, their defense against pain—refusing to acknowledge that the relationship is over—precludes healing. They pine on for the lost love with little hope of relief.

People with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter. 

Whether we bounce back from a breakup or wallow in unhappiness also depends on our general self-regard. In a University of California, Santa Barbara study where participants experienced rejection in an online dating exchange, people with low self-esteem took rejection the worst: They were most likely to blame themselves for what had happened and to rail against the rejecter. Their levels of the stress hormone cortisol ran particularly high. Such reactivity to romantic rejection often creates unhealthy coping strategies—staying home alone night after night, for example, or remaining emotionally closed off from new partners.

People with high self-esteem were not immune to distress in the face of romantic rejection, whether they were rejecter or rejectee, but they were less inclined to assume a lion’s share of the blame for the split. Best of all, they continued to see themselves in a positive light despite a brush-off.

Some helpful tips...

1. Don’t protest a partner’s decision. The best thing a dumpee can do to speed emotional healing is to accept that the relationship has come to an unequivocal end. In her neuroimaging studies, Helen Fisher found that the withdrawal-like reaction afflicting romantic rejectees diminished with time. Start the clock working in you favor.

2. Don’t beg him or her to reconsider later on. The recovery process is fragile, says Fisher, and last-ditch attempts to make contact or win back an ex can scuttle it. “If you suddenly get an email from the person, you can get right into the craving for them again.” To expedite moving on, she recommends abstaining from any kind of contact with the rejecter: “Throw out the cards and letters. Don’t call. And don’t try to be friends.” At least for now. When you have healed, things can change.

3. Resist thinking you’ve lost your one true soul mate. Don’t tell yourself you’ve lost the one person you were destined to be with forever, says Florida State University psychologist Roy Baumeister. “There’s something about love that makes you think there’s only one person for you, and there’s a mythology surrounding that. But there’s nothing magical about one person.” In reality, there are plenty of people with whom each of us is potentially compatible. It might be difficult to fathom in the aftermath of a breakup, but chances are you’ll find someone else.

4. Don’t demonize your ex-partner. It’s a waste of your energy. And avoid plotting revenge; it will backfire by making him or her loom ever larger in your thoughts and postpone your recovery.

5. Don’t try to blot out the pain you’re feeling, either. Face it head on. Short of the death of a loved one, the end of a long-term relationship is one of the most severe emotional blows you’ll ever experience. It’s perfectly normal—in fact, necessary—to spend time grieving the loss. “Love makes you terribly vulnerable,” John Portmann, a moral philos­opher at the University of Virginia says. “If you allow yourself to fall in love, you can get hurt really badly.” The sooner you face the pain, the sooner it passes.

Based on: psychologytoday.com

28% of the US population have either a mental or addictive disorder

According to BPDFamily.com, the US Surgeon General estimates that 28% of the US population suffer from either a mental or addictive disorder in a given year.

The current prevalence estimate is that about 20 percent of the U.S. population are affected by mental disorders during a given year. This estimate comes from two epidemiologic surveys: the Epidemiologic Catchment Area (ECA) study of the early 1980s and the National Comorbidity Survey (NCS) of the early 1990s. Those surveys defined mental illness according to the prevailing editions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The surveys estimate that during a 1-year period, 22 to 23 percent of the U.S. adult population—or 44 million people—have diagnosable mental disorders, according to reliable, established criteria.

In general, 19 percent of the adult U.S. population have a mental disorder alone (in 1 year); 3 percent have both mental and addictive disorders; and 6 percent have addictive disorders alone.3 Consequently, about 28 to 30 percent of the population have either a mental or addictive disorder (Regier et al., 1993b; Kessler et al., 1998).

Individuals with co-occurring disorders (about 3 percent of the population in 1 year) are more likely to experience a chronic course and to utilize services than are those with either type of disorder alone.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the "borderline" of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women. There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases. Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations. Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of 55,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1994.

Author: Skip 

Are the Children of a BPD Parent Likely to Suffer Emotional Abuse?

The short answer is "yes." Do you know a mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder - possibly your daughter in law - your wife - a friend?  Did you know that even when the family appears to be doing well and the child appears to be overachieving, the children may be suffering psychological damage that will affect them far into adulthood.

Many BPD sufferers work very hard at being good parents. However, BPD thinking and behavior patterns can lead to problematic parenting in several ways. For instance, a BPD sufferer is prone to black and white thinking, which can lead a parent to "split" one child--or the same child at different times--as “all bad” and thus deserving of punishment and another as "all good." In "all bad" child suffers never learns human bonding. An "all good" child is not given a chance to develop a normal sense of independence and identity as the parent idealizes, rescues, or turns to the child for support.

High-Risk Parenting

Thus, a sufferer’s ways of coping can become a source of neglect such as when addictive behaviors distract the parent, leaving the child untended or abuse, with impulsive behaviors and rages resulting in emotional and physical scars or inconsistent parenting leaving the child feeling confused and unsafe. Experts consider parents with BPD to be "high risk":

Even the act of care giving itself may trigger painful memories from the mother’s history of trauma, making it very difficult for the mother with BPD to cope with the daily challenges of parenting (Main, 1995). These triggers often cause her to engage in maladaptive, “frightened/frightening” behaviors, whereby the she is both frightening to the child and frightened herself at the same time (Holmes, 2005; Hobson, et al, 2005). In this way, mothers with BPD are often classified as “high risk” parents (Newman & Stevenson, 2005), at risk of child abuse and/or drastically overprotective behaviors. (From How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children)

A child who is faced with a frightened parent will often, in a reversal of a healthy parent-child interaction, try to provide comfort or to solve the problem for the parent. The child is parentified, trying manage situations beyond his or her maturity. At the same time, the child's own fears are not soothed. The result can be a highly anxious child who tries to be "perfect" but ultimately turns to destructive coping strategies like eating disorders, drugs, and addictive relationships to deal with buried fear and self-esteem issues.

What Can a Concerned Adult Do?

Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other caring family members come to Coping with Parents, Relatives, and Inlaws with BPD concerned about the interactions such as these between the BPD sufferer in their life (perhaps the children's mother, father, stepfather, or stepmother) and the children. They may feel that something is wrong or they may know the actions are wrong, but they don't know how to intervene.

BPDFamily.com can provide education, support, and tools as to work toward improving the lives of the children with a parent with BPD. Members find shared ideas and resources on Parenting and Co-Parenting, along with numerous articles and workshops discussing ways of supporting kids with a BPD caregiver and effectively meeting their needs. The Parenting board is also a place to get much needed emotional support from others who really do understand the challenges of trying to offer kids the best environment possible. Depending on the relationship to the child and the severity of the problem, there is as lot a concerned adult can do, including:

• Ensure the child’s physical needs are being met.
• Take the child out regularly for some “down” time.
• Reassure the child that the mistreatment is not his/her fault.
• Teach the child healthy coping mechanisms, like thinking of a happy place or time when things are difficult or to focusing on breathing and counting to 10 when angry.
• Provide counseling for the parent and the child.
• Talk—and listen—to the child.
• Validate the child’s feelings and sense of reality. If a BPD parent says the child is “not cold” when the child has said he is freezing, say, “I think he is feeling cold. I’ll get a sweater for him.”
• Find ways to check regularly on the child’s well being.
• Reduce the amount of time the child spends alone with the stressed parent. Offer alternatives, such as to babysit or pay for activities.
• Create small rituals of security and happiness. Go to a park every Saturday. Take the child grocery shopping and let her choose one small treat.
• Remove the child to safety.
• Call a child abuse or domestic violence hotline or 911.
• If you are not the child’s parent, consistent with your own safety and need for boundaries, stay in the child’s life to the greatest extent possible.
• If you are the child’s parent and you feel that you must look at all options to protect your child, consult with an experienced family law attorney and a counselor to map out a plan.

Author: BlackandWhite

Is Your Marriage Breaking Down?

BPDFamily.com encourages couples to spot the classic pattern of relationship breakdown and take action before it goes too far.

According to Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., Director of Mental Help Net and former Assistant Professor of Psychology at Idaho State University, there is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur. Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, "The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse".

Stage One The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or 'agree to disagree', while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Couples that get into trouble find themselves in conflicts that they cannot resolve or compromise upon to both party's satisfaction. Such disagreements can be caused by any number of reasons, but might involve a clash of spousal values on core topics such as whether to have children, or how to handle money.

Frequently, couples assume that misunderstandings are at the root of their conflicts. "If my spouse really understood why I act as I do, he or she would agree with me and go along with what I want", is a commonly overheard refrain. Acting on this belief, spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn't work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one's position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset.

Stage Two In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse's attitudes about their partner change for the worse. For example, initially each spouse may have mostly positive regard for their partner and be willing to write off any 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior their partner acts out as a transient, uncommon stress-related event. However, as 'bad' or 'stupid' behavior is observed again and again, spouses get frustrated, start to regard their partner as actually being a 'bad' or 'stupid' person, and begin to treat their partner accordingly. Importantly, the 'bad' behavior that the spouse demonstrates doesn't have to be something he or she actually does. Instead, it could be something that he or she doesn't do, that the spouse expects them to do (such as remembering to put the toilet seat down after use).

Conflict by itself doesn't predict marriage problems. Some couples fight a lot but somehow never manage to lose respect for each other. Once contempt sets in, however, the marriage is on shaky ground. Feelings of contempt for one's spouse are a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown, no matter how subtlety they are displayed. In a famous study, Gottman was able to predict with over 80% accuracy the future divorces of multiple couples he and his team observed based on subtle body language cues suggesting contemptuous feelings (such as dismissive eye-rolling). Contempt doesn't have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one's relationship.

Stage Three Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner's increasingly defensive behavior. Men in particular (but women too) become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and "flooded"; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful. Over time, partners learn to expect that they are 'gridlocked'; that they cannot resolve their differences, and that any attempts at resolution will result in further overwhelm, hurt or disappointment.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The "four horsemen" breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don't often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

Author: Skip 

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of nearly 75,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community with its nearly 3 million postings and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

Does My Girlfriend/Boyfriend Have Borderline Personality Disorder?

A person suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder is often not as they  seem.

Are you trying to determine if someone in your life may suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder? You will soon find out that this is a complex question. There are no simple behavioral checklists; no definitive tests. Identifying Borderline Personality Disorder requires having a working knowledge of the disorder and some insight into the past life of the person in question.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a disorder of the emotions. Imagine a person who is extremely sensitive to rejection (fearful of even perceived or anticipated rejection) and has a limited ability to modulate their emotional impulses (love, fear, anger, grief, etc.). To protect themselves from their own feelings, they are prone to adopt a multitude of dysfunctional rationalizations and cover-ups.

For example, a person suffering from BPD may so fear rejection in a new relationship that they recreate themselves in the image of a person they believe would be lovable. When the negative emotions for making such a sacrifice surface - and not having the ability to modulate them, they lash out at the target of their affections for "making them do it" - rather than face their own feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection, ultimately damaging the relationship they so fear losing, and reinforcing their feelings of inadequacy / fear of rejection.

What is going on in a Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer's mind and how they are acting can be two entirely different things.

To the sufferer, BPD is about deep feelings, feelings often too difficult to express, feelings that are something along the lines of this (2):

• If others really get to know me, they will find me rejectable and will not be able to love me; and they will leave me;
• I need to have complete control of my feelings otherwise things go completely wrong;
• I have to adapt my needs to other people's wishes, otherwise they will leave me or attack me;
• I am an evil person and I need to be punished for it;
• Other people are evil and abuse you;
• If someone fails to keep a promise, that person can no longer be trusted;
• If I trust someone, I run a great risk of getting hurt or disappointed;
• If you comply with someone's request, you run the risk of losing yourself;
• If you refuse someone's request, you run the risk of losing that person;
• I will always be alone;
• I can't manage by myself, I need someone I can fall back on;
• There is no one who really cares about me, who will be available to help me, and whom I can fall back on;
• I don't really know what I want;
• I will never get what I want;
• I'm powerless and vulnerable and I can't protect myself;.
• I have no control of myself;
• I can't discipline myself;
• My feelings and opinions are unfounded;
• Other people are not willing or helpful.

To the family members, BPD behavior is often very frustrating can feel unfair and punitive - something like this (3):

• You have been viewed as overly good and then overly bad;
• You have been the focus of unprovoked anger or hurtful actions, alternating with periods when the family member acts perfectly normal and very loving;
• Things that you have said or done have been twisted and used against you;
• You are accused of things you never did or said?
• You often find yourself defending and justifying your intentions;
• You find yourself concealing what you think or feel because you are not heard;
• You feel manipulated, controlled, and sometimes lied to.

As such, the most obvious "symptom" of Borderline Personality Disorder is a lifelong pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions.

Why is Borderline Personality Disorder Difficult to Diagnose

Borderline Personality Disorder is a relatively recent addition to the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and the World Health Organization International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). Accordingly, the majority of practicing mental health professionals graduating prior to 2000 have not been trained on the diagnosis and the treatment of this complex disorder as part of their professional curriculum.

Additionally, the clinical definition of Borderline Personality Disorder is very broad. It is defined in terms of nine criteria of which 5 or more are indicative of the disorder. This translates to 255 clusters of criteria, or constellations as they are known, any one of which is diagnostic for BPD. Within these constellations, there are high functioning borderlines that operate well in society and whose disorder is not very obvious to new acquaintances or the casual observer. Also within these constellations are the low functioning borderlines who are more apparent as they can't hold jobs, or they self-harm (cutting). Suicidal attempts/ideation and anorexia/bulimia are some of the most serious aspects of this disorder - yet, many with the disorder do not exhibit either.

Proper diagnosis and treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder is spotty at best with community healthcare providers, marriage counselors, and family therapists who are often hesitant to diagnose or treat the disorder. As a result, most borderlines are undiagnosed or in treatment for other maladies such as depression or PTSD. If you suspect Borderline Personality Disorder, it is best to use a specialist, preferably one associated with a University.

Diagnostic Tests - Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R)

The Diagnostic Interview for Borderline Patients (DIB-R) is the best-known "test" for diagnosing BPD. The DIB is a semi structured clinical interview that takes about 50-90 minutes to administer. The test, developed to be administered by skilled clinicians, consist of 132 questions and observation using 329 summary statements. The test looks at areas of functioning associated with borderline personality disorder. The four areas of functioning include Affect (chronic/major depression, helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt, anger, anxiety, loneliness, boredom, emptiness), Cognition (odd thinking, unusual perceptions, nondelusional paranoia, quasipsychosis), Impulse action patterns (substance abuse/dependence, sexual deviance, manipulative suicide gestures, other impulsive behaviors), and Interpersonal relationships (intolerance of aloneness, abandonment, engulfment, annihilation fears, counterdependency, stormy relationships, manipulativeness, dependency, devaluation, masochism/sadism, demandingness, entitlement). The test is available at no charge by contacting John Gunderson M.D. McLean Hospital in Belmont Massachusetts (617-855-2293).

Diagnostic Tests - Structured Clinical Interview (SCID-II)

The Structured Clinical Interview (now SCID-II) was formulated in 1997 by First, Gibbon, Spitzer, Williams, and Benjamin. It closely follows the language of the DSM-IV Axis II Personality Disorders criteria. There are 12 groups of questions corresponding to the 12 personality disorders. The scoring is either the trait is absent, subthreshold, true, or there is "inadequate information to code". SCID-II can be self administered or administered by third parties (a spouse, an informant, a colleague) and yield decent indications of the disorder. The questionnaire is available from the American Psychiatric Publishing ($60.00).

Diagnostic Tests - Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ).

The Personality Disorder Beliefs Questionnaire (PDBQ) is a brief self administered test for Personality Disorder tendencies. We have included a list of questions most often answered as "yes" by people with Borderline Personality Disorder .

Diagnostic Tests - Other

Other commonly used assessment tests are rating tests such as the Zanarini Rating Scale for Borderline Personality Disorder (ZAN-BPD), and the McLean Screening Instrument for Borderline Personality Disorder (MSI-BPD). In addition there are some free, informal tests available - some BPDFamily.com members have found that these tests are helpful.

Author: Skip

The most common mental health conditions.

There are many different conditions that are recognized as mental illnesses. According to BPDFamily.com, the more common types include:

• Anxiety disorders: People with anxiety disorders respond to certain objects or situations with fear and dread, as well as with physical signs of anxiety or nervousness, such as a rapid heartbeat and sweating. An anxiety disorder is diagnosed if the person's response is not appropriate for the situation, if the person cannot control the response, or if the anxiety interferes with normal functioning. Anxiety disorders include generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias.

• Mood disorders: These disorders, also called affective disorders, involve persistent feelings of sadness or periods of feeling overly happy, or fluctuations from extreme happiness to extreme sadness. The most common mood disorders are depression, mania, and bipolar disorder.

• Psychotic disorders: Psychotic disorders involve distorted awareness and thinking. Two of the most common symptoms of psychotic disorders are hallucinations -- the experience of images or sounds that are not real, such as hearing voices -- and delusions -- false beliefs that the ill person accepts as true, despite evidence to the contrary. Schizophrenia is an example of a psychotic disorder.

• Eating disorders: Eating disorders involve extreme emotions, attitudes, and behaviors involving weight and food. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and binge eating disorder are the most common eating disorders.

• Impulse control and addiction disorders: People with impulse control disorders are unable to resist urges, or impulses, to perform acts that could be harmful to themselves or others. Pyromania (starting fires), kleptomania (stealing), and compulsive gambling are examples of impulse control disorders. Alcohol and drugs are common objects of addictions. Often, people with these disorders become so involved with the objects of their addiction that they begin to ignore responsibilities and relationships.

• Personality disorders: People with personality disorders have extreme and inflexible personality traits that are distressing to the person and/or cause problems in work, school, or social relationships. In addition, the person's patterns of thinking and behavior significantly differ from the expectations of society and are so rigid that they interfere with the person's normal functioning. Examples include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and paranoid personality disorder.

Other, less common types of mental illnesses include:

• Adjustment disorder: Adjustment disorder occurs when a person develops emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to a stressful event or situation. The stressors may include natural disasters, such as an earthquake or tornado; events or crises, such as a car accident or the diagnosis of a major illness; or interpersonal problems, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, loss of a job, or a problem with substance abuse. Adjustment disorder usually begins within three months of the event or situation and ends within six months after the stressor stops or is eliminated.

• Dissociative disorders: People with these disorders suffer severe disturbances or changes in memory, consciousness, identity, and general awareness of themselves and their surroundings. These disorders usually are associated with overwhelming stress, which may be the result of traumatic events, accidents, or disasters that may be experienced or witnessed by the individual. Dissociative identity disorder, formerly called multiple personality disorder, or "split personality", and depersonalization disorder are examples of dissociative disorders.

• Factitious disorders: Factitious disorders are conditions in which physical and/or emotional symptoms are created in order to place the individual in the role of a patient or a person in need of help.

• Sexual and gender disorders: These include disorders that affect sexual desire, performance, and behavior. Sexual dysfunction, gender identity disorder, and the paraphilias are examples of sexual and gender disorders.

• Somatoform disorders: A person with a somatoform disorder, formerly known as psychosomatic disorder, experiences physical symptoms of an illness even though a doctor can find no medical cause for the symptoms.

• Tic disorders: People with tic disorders make sounds or display body movements that are repeated, quick, sudden, and/or uncontrollable. (Sounds that are made involuntarily are called vocal tics.) Tourette's syndrome is an example of a tic disorder.

Other diseases or conditions, including various sleep-related problems and many forms of dementia, including Alzheimer's disease, are sometimes classified as mental illnesses because they involve the brain.

Author: Skip 

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BPDFamily.com provides support, education, tools, and perspective to individuals with a loved one affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. BPFamily is a non-profit, co-op of nearly 75,000 volunteer members and alumni formed in 1998. We welcome you to join our free 24 hour on-line support community with its nearly 3 million postings and grow with us as we learn to live better lives in the shadow of this disorder. For more information or to register, please click here. www.bpdfamily.com

What is Parental Alienation?

 
After the divorce it is not uncommon for one or both parents to share their frustration about the other parent with the children or in front of the children.  After fighting hard for custody, it's not easy to wake up the next day and be instantly healed from the wounds of battle - but this is what is what is best for the child. To share frustration about the other parent is inappropriate and unfair to the child as it places them in an adult situation and asks them to make adult assessments.  If, as parents, we truly love our children, we will heed this warning, act like adults, and do what is necessary to spare our children.  Fortunately, in most cases,  parents eventually get the message when they see articles like this one. In most cases, the children are resilient and  learn to adapt while the parents get their acts together.

It's easy to see when on our ex-spouse steps over the line - we are often slower to see it in ourselves.  We sometimes feel justified because the other "ex" is doing it or because the ex is a jerk or because we feel we are helping the children grow up.  It is important that we evaluate our own behavior and the all events that lead up to the conflict.  Often, we need to reach out to heal the divide.  There is as much art to this as science and timing is very important.  Healing typically happens in steps and the other party my not join in on the onset.

At BPDFamily, we often recommend for parents to start out with a parallel parenting plan after the divorce with the intent of using the space that it creates for healing and gently probing, over time, the best ways to co-parent.  A good parallel parenting plan often sets co-parenting as the ultimate objective. 

Unfortunately, in a few cases the fight between the parents can become a post divorce obsession - sometimes evolving all the way to what is known as "Parental Alienation Syndrome" - a very difficult sitation.

In this video, Jane Major, PhD. will help you look at yourself, look and ex-spouse, and assess what is happening with your children; is is the garden-variety post divorce frustrations that often abate, or is is significant and requiring of cooperative action of the parents, or is a severe parental alienation brewing with the need for court intervention?

It is important to carefully and maturely assess the situation and select your course of action carefully.  You don't want to be impatient, controlling, or take actions that will make matters worse.  You also don't want to sit by and let matters deteriorate.

Below are some helpful summary points form the video:

What is "parental alienation"?

The behavior of a parent that engages a child in a discussion so that the child can either participate or hear them degrade the other parent. Some parents are so upset they will reveal too much information such as "court papers." Alienation happens when the parent does not recognize the bounds of what they can say or do.

Why do parents engage in parental alienation?

Parents that engage in parental alienation are acting out their own drama and upset about what's occurred. For most people, parental alienation is mild, and it's very common in divorces, where an unkind thing is said, a name called or something, where a parent doesn't have boundaries. Mild parent alienation is, "you tell me if you get scared at your daddy's and I'll come," so planting a seed that you're not safe with your daddy. Another form of parental alienation is saying, "is anybody over at your mother's spending the night?" Parental alienation is being inappropriate with those kinds of questions and fishing to find information from the child that the child shouldn't be involved in. So mild parent alienation often occurs and most people get a grip. Most people understand it's not appropriate to engage in parental alienation. Eventually somebody will tell them parental alienation is inappropriate, or the child can adapt. They say, "aw, there goes mom again." " Aw, there goes dad again." They can cope with parental alienation. Not adapt, but cope. In moderate parent alienation, the parent goes ballistic and calls names upon seeing the person, or speaking on the phone, and is just in a rage and a tirade about the other parent and is terribly inappropriate. And if the child sees this parental alienation often, they may be involved in aligning against the other parent. So this form of parental alienation is very serious, but those parents can be helped with parenting classes, with mentoring, with therapy, with anger management, with other things to enable them to finally calm down.

What type of parent is likely to engage in parental alienation?

We do know that even within a marriage parents maybe doing parent alienation. This is anytime a parent speaks negatively about another parent so that a child could here it. Children can cope with that usually and adjust. When parent's get a divorce its more frequent that that is likely to occur. Unless the parents are really sophisticated parents and understand it and have thought this through and don't do that and we do have those people god bless them. Some parents become so irate at the other parent that they just lose all control and they go into a rage and the child witnesses this and the parent in the moderate is likely to be programming the child to also hate the other parent or never ever say to that parent that they enjoyed any kind of time with that other parent or they had fun with that parent at all. They would never tell this parent that is so difficult anything about the other.

How do I know if my spouse is actually committing parental alienation?

If a parent is engaged in parental alienation, it is more than we are getting a divorce and we have got to figure out a parent plan. A parent engaged in parental alienation is a person who is obsessed, is very ugly, and nasty and will stop at nothing to get their way. Now you really need to figure out if you have an enemy engaged in parental alienation, what it is that makes this person your enemy, and how can you best protect your children. And at that point this is more than ordinary stuff, this is the small percentage of very sick people. Now you need to educate yourself because you are in a different kind of a war when one party is engaged in parental alienation. It's a lot at stake.

What is "severe parental alienation"?

In the most obsessed and severe kind, severe parental alienation is where parents become ugly or nasty. You can't work with them or solve problems with them by reasoning. Severe parental alienation are cases where you have to go to court to get any kind of resolution and these parents so nasty they will allege all kinds of lies to get their way. This is when what prevails in truth is often not the truth but what appears to be truth. The parents will allege all manner of horrible things, and they will take the least little negative issue and turn it into a huge issue. They will create their own reality and then they will end up believing their own fabrications with all their heart and soul, and are very convincing. Evidence, truth and facts are not part of severe parental alienation because they've made up their own facts. The fact that they are so believable is why judges have to rely on evaluators to sort through all of that and come up with recommendations.

How will parental alienation affect the targeted parent?

The person who's the targeted parent, wonders what the hell happened here. Because that was never their intention, they didn't marry this person or have a child with them with the idea that the person could become so unglued and become so ugly and nasty. It takes a horrible toll on the targeted parent. Psychologically they have to cope with being accused of all kinds of things that they did not do. They are always on the defensive, they are always back peddling, trying to figure out "what am I going to do about it?" Even in the relationship, when they were in a together relationship, there are some people that are so disturbed that when the targeted parent tries to solve problems with them they get a two-by-four between the eyes, and they back off and they say "that hurt!" Then they go back and they regroup and they try to solve problems with this person again, the nasty one. By the way, it's men or women. It is not more women do this than men do which is a common concept. Now that there is so much shared custody, very disturbed men can do this as much as women. So at any rate, whoever it is it's a very disturbed person because healthy people don't act like that.

How will parental alienation affect my child?

When you have a parent who's in the moderate or obsessed category one of the things that they cannot allow is for the child to love and have a positive relationship with the other parent. Now, guess who is the healthier parent? This is the target parent almost always. The obsessed person is not a healthy parent. They're very nasty and ugly, and they don't play fair at all. They will stop at any lengths to win and what they're winning is the mind of a child. They will brainwash a child (another word for it is to program a child) to hate their targeted parent; the healthier parent, the other half of their heritage, the other half of their whole family construct. Half of that child's family, if this obsessed parent is successful, is now ‘x'ed out of the child's life. We call that a “parentectomy” where the parent has been cut out of the child's life; a “parentectomy.” The child then loses all contact with the individuals that would be most likely to love that child, nurture that child, and care for that child, and provide. They lose out on all of that and if the really disturbed parent prevails, and they often do, this child grows up with a very serious situation where one parent is psychologically disturbed. The characteristic is always that the disturbed person is expecting the child to take care of them. This is called parent role reversal, where the child is always in the position to take care of the most disturbed parent. So how does that help children? It doesn't.

How will parental alienation affect my child when he grows up?

If the alienating and obsessed parent is successful in their agenda then the child will no longer have any access or influence from the other parent, they will lose that side of their family, that side of their whole heritage, and they will grow up with a person who's a very damaged individual. So they will not be adequately parented. We do know that the picture is not a pretty picture for them in their lives, that they will have many psychological issues, relationship issues, they're going to have a very hard time in their life. Just recently, Amy J.L Baker, a researcher in child development that teaches college at Columbia University, has published a book called 'Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind'. This is an enormously valuable book for anybody that doesn't understand parental alienation and what the consequences are. She researched 4, adult children where passes had occurred in their childhood and the outcome was really extraordinary, to point out what, we need to do everything we can to get a handle on what this problem is and how to do something about it.

How do I prevent parental alienation?

Prevention is the key that, but in some people they're already psychiatrically disturbed people. And usually people don't know that when they start having babies with them or go into business with them or any kind of other relationship until something happens that the person really becomes crazy - undone. So I don't know that you can stop. I think you could do an awful lot more of preventing yourself from leaping into situations where you don't know who this person really is. Having children with somebody who is already difficult is likely to turn more difficult. So it behooves people to be very careful in their relationships with people. So it starts right there. Know who you're involved with. Take the time to get to know this person.

How do I cope with parental alienation?

One of the ways not to cope with parental alienation is to be passive, because that's the trait of most people that get involved with obsessed parental alienators. They just don't know what to do. So go and find somebody that does know what to do about parental alienation. You're not the first person that's had the problem of parental alienation. Believe me. There's a lot of literature available for people with parental alienation problems. There's a lot of experts that specialize in parental alienation. I say the best thing you can do is educate yourself about parental alienation. Go online. There's a lot of resources about parental alienation online. There are also many excellent books about parental alienation. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is one of them. There are a lot of helpers, a lot of mentors out there who can show people the way to deal with parental alienation. Join up. Don't stay in isolation with parental alienation. Educate yourself as to what parental alienation is and what other people have done. I have an article on our website called "Parents Who Have Successfully Fought Parental Alienation Syndrome." That's been on the website for years and years, and it's gone all over the world. I've heard from people that said you've exactly described my family. I have another article that will be on our website called "The Cost, Causes, and Controversies of Parent Alienation and Parent Alienation Syndrome." Educate yourself. There's a whole education possible.

What is "parental alienation syndrome"?

Parent alienation describes what the parent is doing. Parent alienation syndrome describes what the child is doing. It is a very important distinction to make. They are not one and the same. Parent alienation syndrome was originally identified in 1985 by a psychiatrist, Dr. Richard Gardner. He was the pioneer in parent education syndrome, when there was a burgeoning of divorces in the early 80s, when joint custody first became a reality, starting in California. James Cook lobbied the California legislature for joint custody laws, and they were passed in 1980, and then swept the country as the concept that the best parent is both parents and you have to figure out how to share these children. Not one parent takes all the custody and the other one becomes a visitor, not in the child's life at all. So many fathers started clamoring to go to court to get access to their children, and this created a tremendous burden on the courts which has not been alleviated to this day.

How does parental alienation syndrome affect my child?

Another curious thing about children who are involved in parent alienation syndrome. That means they're no longer adapting and coping, that they've gone over and aligned with the most disturbed parent. In some cases, it's a shared psychosis that the child shares with the disturbed parent, the mother or the father. And they become one unit. The child then will make up scenarios of their own about how horrible the targeted parent is. They have no basis in fact whatsoever, it's nothing they ever experienced, but just as kids can create wonderful stories and fairy tales, and all of that, they use that technique to describe horrible things that the parent has done, which in truth they haven't done. And they can be very convincing, because they are passionate, and they're angry. Their brains have been seriously altered into such a state of confusion that they don't know the truth.

How do I cope with a child experiencing parental alienation syndrome?

If your child is already in the syndrome and the syndrome is where they are brainwashed, you want to stand up for yourself and say, "That didn't happen." "You didn't experience that." "I never did that to you." "You are loved by both of your parents and I love you and I will always be here for you." You know, there just isn't any kind of panacea for these. If people really have the worst case scenario, the only thing that's going to turn it around is getting a judicial order for the other parent to be contained; for the disturbed parent to be contained. This is why there is such heavy litigation in these kinds of families. If they can't litigate, if they can't get a judicial order containing the disturbed parent, then they may just lose those children.

How do I stop parental alienation if it is occurring?

The only way is to get a court order that would contain the disturbed parent, and to get legal custody to the healthier parent and to work with the family. There are actually protocols that are being developed now because prior to this there hasn't been anything that we know to do with the obsessed parent, there's just, there's no protocol whatsoever, in fact there still isn't. But there are being developed ways to detox or unbrainwash or unprogram a child if they can get it soon enough, but there gets to be a tipping point or turning place where you're not going to really reach that child. In Doctor Baker's research, she found children that finally understood that they were brainwashed, and so therapy, you know, a lot of times people's hands are just tied. It has to be a court order, the judge has to really get it, who the good guy is and who the bad guy is.

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Author: Skip 

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